The battle last night.

How does this pain serve me? I lay in my bed hitting my own aching heart with an open palm as if I want to hurt it back. My thoughts linger in the dark. I try to take deep breaths. I didn't ask for this fight. Did I? Regardless, here we are. I choose to not resort to distractions, I stay in the dark to face it. I reach out asking for help from anything. There is no force in the universe that wants me to be happy. Not now. There is no guarantee that this is going to work out. I tried so hard to prove myself wrong. You never feel so alone as when you start a fight with yourself. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. I tell myself over and over. A mantra that I pray to myself will, in some way, ease this painful tension and drop me into sleep. I sit up in my room and wonder if consciousness is the one advantage I have. Falling asleep feels like I am handing all control over to my mind. There is no feeling of loneliness quite like not trusting your own mind. I know I didn't have long left before I lost this battle to unconsciousness. I feel like it is ripping me in from my heart. My eyes are beginning to stick from tears. I reach out to a few friends and drink some plant medicine to as an almost last attempt for reinforcement. I read a friends text telling me to take a moment to breath in what she is sending me as I slowly give in. Falling into the deepest void I know...

 

Here I am now. I made it to the morning. I woke to snow outside my window. A peaceful contrast to the night before. It is very quiet. As if the world set a scene for me to reflect on. What was I even fighting? I close my eyes in shame and shake my head. This fight was all too familiar. Blinded by fear and sadness I fought myself. The harder I fought the more it hurt, and I fought so hard. I accept that I was defeated last night. Im okay with knowing that as there is no way of ever winning this fight. In fact the thought of “winning” that fight terrifies me. Slow down. Be calm.

 

take a breath. mistakes are made in this life.

take a breath. some fights were meant to be lost.

take a breath. there are truths hard to face.

take a breath. some nights are better then others.

take a breath. it's okay to hurt.

take a breath. you will forget this and fight again one day.

take a breath.

 

There is beauty to be found in suffering. There are powerful lessons to be learned from pain. Darkness can show us true light. There may not be a force that is striving for us to be happy. There may not be a guarantee that things work out in the way you want them. This all may just be chaos. And that is a hard thought to face. I am left with a deeper truth. A foundation to build something bigger. A stripping of a delusional responsibility. And a tangible truth that -I am- Just relax and listen. Take a breath and breath it all in. Everything is temporary. Let the current take you. Life will be beautiful again.  

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